Breaking the Walls
by paixnouvelle
Summary: Joan Mackenzie was a quiet, shy college student. What, or who, would it take to break down the walls she had set for herself? A smidge AU with eventual Arthur, no Gina. (Oh, disclaimer: I don't own Joan Mackenzie or anything CA-related. Just livin' it up, fanfic-style.)
1. Chapter 1

She could hear that unbalanced _click-click-click _of a slightly drunken Sarai's heels hitting the tile in the hall outside their dorm room. That could only mean two things: Sarai went out to another party, and that it must be very late at night. But Joan didn't care; she just kept reading _The Great Gatsby _for the twentieth time and took a sip of her plain green tea.

"Joan Elisabeth Mackenzie, can I EVER walk into this dorm room without seeing your face buried in a book you've already read a thousand times over?" Sarai asked as she stumbled into the room, dropping her purse beside the door.

"Welcome back. How was your night?" Joan asked, looking up from _Gatsby _long enough to glance at Sarai.

"More exciting than yours, that's for damn sure." Joan let Sarai's comment slide off; her nights were exciting to her. She loved reading books over and over again because she'd always find something new with each read-through.

"I don't even understand why you won't go out with me and the girls. You'd have such a great time, I just know it!" Sarai slurred her words a little bit as she walked over to talk to Joan.

"I'm completely satisfied with sitting here on my bed reading great books and drinking great tea." Joan replied, her face back to staring at her book.

"You are one semester away from graduating college and you have not yet begun to act like a college student!"

"I act like a good college student. I attend lectures all the time, I write grade-A papers… I don't need to be a stereotypical college student."

"Oh, come on, Joan!" Sarai was now whining as she walked over to her dresser and pulled out some clothes to sleep in.

"I'm sorry Sarai, but I just don't want to. Now, drop it."

"Whatever. I'm gonna go take a shower. You better have your nose out of _Gatsby_ by the time I'm out."

"No, thank you." While Sarai attempted to sober up the tiniest bit in the shower, Joan fished around her drawers for a few small candles. If she couldn't finish reading with the main light of the room, she'd finish reading by the miniscule light provided by her mint-scented candles. Nothing, not even her drunken roommate, would hinder her reading. It brought her utter joy and peace.

As soon as Sarai shuffled out of the bathroom, she plopped down on the bed and fell asleep almost instantly. That was Joan's cue to find her small container of matches, light her handful of candles, and set them on the windowsill. She settled into the corner with her quilts and the rest of her tea and settled into finishing the last three chapters of the famous F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. 

xXx

As if it were clockwork, Joan woke up the following morning, made herself some green tea to wake her up, and settled into her desk so she could review the paper she needed to submit Monday. She was about halfway through her paper before she heard Sarai bounce out of bed.

"Jooooooooan…" She moaned as the bright light of the morning sun hit her weary eyes.

"Good morning starshine, how did you sleep?" Joan asked, not looking up from her paper.

"I'm a bit hung over, obviously. How about you?"

"I slept well, obviously. Finished _Gatsby_ and my supply of mint tea."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Sarai rolled her eyes as she walked over to Joan's desk. "You know what surprises me, though?"

"What?"

"That you are gonna agree to go out to breakfast with me and the girls!" Sarai almost shouted as she grabbed Joan's shoulders, almost causing Joan to drop her mug of tea that she had just picked up.

"And what makes you think that I'm going to agree to that?"

"Because Brooke and Kathy found this little café thing downtown, and we all know how you like little lame-o things like out-of-the-way cafés, so you're coming along."

"Do I have to?" Joan whined. She was perfectly fine with finishing the proofreading of her paper and then going down to the dining hall for breakfast.

"Yes, you have to! Now get dressed for the day, because we're meeting them downstairs in fifteen." She walked over to her dresser and picked out something comfortable to wear for the day. "Come on, Joanie!"

"You know I hate being called that, Sarai." Joan stated as she sat up tensely.

"Well, get dressed and let's get going, and I promise I won't call you that for as long as I can manage."

Sarai could hear the heavy sigh, the shuffling of papers as they were returned to their rightful folders, and the sound of the wheels of the chair being moved against the carpeting of the room.

"Fine. I surrender."

"I knew you would." Sarai replied with the tiniest hint of a smirk upon her face.

xXx

Joan was pleasantly surprised by the girls' choice in cafes. The Huckleberry was a small place just at the edge of downtown, nestled right on the edge of a lake. They had _so much tea_, available for cup-by-cup purchase or by containers, so she purchased a couple containers of green tea and mint tea to replenish her stash, and a cup of white tea infused with vanilla and cardamom to accompany her lemon poppyseed bagel that coincidentally went perfectly with her soft sky blue jacket. A light breeze blew in every time another customer walked in, and the sun shone perfectly from the windows at each end of the small cafe. It was almost… Perfect.

"Joan? Joan, quit zoning out on us!" Sarai demanded as she snapped her fingers in front of Joan's face.

"Oh, um, sorry." She blinked rapidly to make sure she was still in reality.

"What has you so distracted right now?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just… It's really nice out and this is kinda nice and just…" Joan trailed off, not wanting to admit she may or may not be happy to be out with Sarai, Brooke, and Kathy.

"Wait, wait, wait…" Brooke interrupted. "Do my ears deceive me? Is the reclusive Joan Mackenzie actually _enjoying_ time out with other people?" Brooke, Kathy, and Sarai all began exchanging high-fives, and Joan couldn't help but crack the tiniest smile. It was true; she really was kinda enjoying this. It felt odd to feel like she was enjoying time out with people, especially people she barely knew beyond the fact that Sarai went out partying with them frequently. But maybe she _should_ give them a chance. If they had great taste when it came to cafes, maybe there was more in store about them.

So she looked up with a bigger smile on her face than the one that was slithering across her face earlier. She smiled and promised to herself to try and at least give the other three at her table a chance.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the breakfast date was actually… _Enjoyable_ for Joan. She found out Brooke and Kathy were also pursuing the same political science major that Joan was, and that they were actually in two of her major-centric classes. She was quite astounded to find this out; she thought she knew about who was in her classes. Turns out she knew a bit less than she thought she did. She began wondering who else and what else she was missing out on by hiding in her room constantly when she wasn't in class. But for now, she still wanted to just enjoy her Saturday like she usually did; curled up with tea and a book. It still made her feel safe, and the fact she enjoyed time out with, basically, strangers, was making her feel almost out-of-body, so she wanted to return to herself.

But something kept nagging at her while she was trying to read _Pride and Prejudice_, something that she just needed to get out.

"Sarai?" Joan asked, looking over towards her roommate, who was on the other bed painting her nails.

"What's up, Joan?" She replied.

"What else have I been missing out on?"

Joan's question had Sarai awestruck. What did she mean? "What do you mean?"

"Breakfast time made me realise… I've been missing out on interaction. And I thought I knew about everybody, but I don't even know two people I have two classes in a row with. It makes me feel idiotic."

"Oh, Joan… You're not idiotic." She said, getting off her own bed and sitting on the edge of Joan's. "Not by any stretch of the imagination. You're just shy and introverted. That's who you are, and that comes with so many invisible walls. You're feeling vulnerable right now because one of those walls was chipped at today. Maybe even taken down, but I'm not the one to determine that; you are."

"It feels weird, Sarai. Like I'm not even myself."

"As I said, something happened to one of your walls today. Something is happening inside of you, and it's up to you to determine whether or not this'll be a good thing. But you know if you ever want someone to help you determine that, I'm here. And the invitation's always open to come hang out with me and the girls."

"Speaking of which, I should probably read the chapter for my government class on Monday." Joan replied, scrambling off her bed and grabbing her textbook from her desk.

"And there's the Joan I know." Sarai smiled as she went back to her own bed and resumed the painting of her nails. She couldn't help but keep smiling; she was proud of Joan for finally beginning to chip away at all those walls she had built up for herself. Joan was about to turn a new leaf in her life; it was just a matter of how much wind it would take to make it flip.

"Oh, Sarai?"

"Yeah, Joan?"

"Thanks." Sarai could see the smile that was spread widely across Joan's face before it ducked behind her government textbook.

She couldn't help but think to herself _"'Atta girl, Joanie."_

xXx

"Sarai… I'm starting to have second thoughts about this."

"Joan, sweetheart… You promised me two days ago that you'd go out with us tonite. I'm holding you to your promise." Joan cursed her inability to break a promise as she was handed a sparkling, flowy shirt of Sarai's. Most of Joan's shirts were either sweaters, t-shirts that had been thru the ringer multiple times, or outfits way too professional-looking for a night out. Luckily, she had a pair of pants and short black heels that went perfectly with one of Sarai's magenta tops.

As soon as Joan had clothed herself, Sarai began attacking her face with various makeup products: a foundation to make her skin look like anything but pasty-white, a blush to bring colour to cheeks that spent way too much time inside, various mascara layers to bring attention to Joan's wide blue eyes, and a light layer of gloss to make her lips pop. She had officially glammed up the usually drab and boring Joan Mackenzie.

She turned Joan around so she could look at herself in a mirror. Joan was absolutely awestruck by the woman standing in front of her; she seemed so confident of herself, so sure of her existence. Of course, Joan had worn makeup on previous occasions to accentuate her professional outfits when she went to important meetings and such, but this palette brought to the front a whole new Joan, a Joan she never expected to ever see.

"I… I… Wow, Sarai." She managed to stutter out, her reflection still holding her in a state of shock.

"Do I dress people up, or do I dress them up?" She laughed, proud of her work.

"This is just wow, Sarai."

"Just remember, you have to say more than 'Wow' when we get there. I don't want to have to give you a script." Sarai laughed once more.

"I won't. I'll talk in complete sentences."

"You better. Now, I believe the girls will be waiting for us in the parking lot in a minute or so, so give yourself one more look-down so we can go!"

"Okay." She looked at her reflection once more, admiring the fully mature woman staring back at her. Her reflection was determined to have a good time tonight, so she promised herself she'd at least try to emanate and exhude the confidence shown off by simple beams of light.

xXx

The environment was already beginning to overwhelm Joan. _So many people I don't know,_ she thought to herself. But she reminded herself of the internal promise she made, and took a deep breath. _It's your time to shine._

Soon she found herself being dragged to various points in the establishment, the trio wanting to give Joan the full experience of where they spent their Friday nights. First off, they tried to get Joan to dance, but that was to no avail. They tried to get her to partake in various drinking games, but that also did not end up working out. Joan wasn't able to choke down more than two shots of whatever was shoved in front of her. With their last shred of patience, they attempted to get Joan to interact with some of the other regulars at basic levels of interaction. When Sarai finally got fed up with Joan's stiffness, she pulled her aside to the bathroom.

"Joan, why the hell are you acting like a stick in the mud?" Sarai angrily asked.

"I'm trying, Sarai. I really am. This is the first time I've ever done this, so I have no idea how to act."

"Well, here's a tip for you: stop acting like a scared little kid! You're embarrassing yourself and me!" Her last statement froze Joan right in her place, an expression of shock pasted across her made-up face.

"Oh God, Joan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that." Sarai pleaded.

After a few awkward moments of silence, Joan turned around and walked out of the bathroom in silence, trying to hold back the tears she knew were coming.

"Joan, wait! Wait up, Joan!" She followed Joan thru the club until she saw her bump into somebody on the way out.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Joan blushed, not wanting to look up at who she just bumped into.

"I'm the one who should be sorry, sweetheart. I should've been looking where I was going." The strange man replied.

"No, it's my…" She was at a loss for words when she finally looked up at who she ran into.

"I'm Arthur. And who are you?" He asked.

"I… I… I'm Joan." Her blush lit up more.

"Well, I hope you're not on your way out, miss Joan. Care to join me for a little bit?"

"Oh, um, sure." She slightly giggled as he led her away from the door. A wide smile spread across Sarai's face as she watched from the bar, sending up a silent prayer of thanks for Joan's shyness coming in handy just in time.


	3. Chapter 3

"So you said your name was Joan, correct?" The new man, Arthur asked, as they both sat down at a small table.

"Yeah. And you said your name was Arthur?"

"Correct." He smiled with a smile that metaphorically began knocking Joan off her feet. "So… What brings you here?"

"I, uh… Some friends dragged me here."

"So I guess you don't frequent here?"

"I don't frequent much of anywhere, except my classes and my dorm room."

"Penn State, I assume? What's your major?"

"Umm, political science."

"Interesting. You seem a lot like an intellectual." His comment, although not ultimately flattering, still made Joan blush.

"What about you? What are you majoring in?"

"Oh, I'm already out of college. Actually on leave from the Navy for a little bit." Joan rebuked herself for not guessing some sort of armed forces background of his by his build and his standard haircut. "So, back to you being intellectual. I assume you like to read frequently?"

"Yeah. It's pretty much all I do when I'm not working on my load of final-semester papers and such. It's a stress reliever to me, like how some people have jogging or alcohol to relieve their stress."

"Any genre you tend to read more often?"

"I really like classic novels. Y'know, _Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, Of Mice and Men, The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson_… The such. And if I ever need a good laugh, I read some of the tales from _The Canterbury Tales_."

"Very smart choices. Any one you cling to?"

"_Gatsby_ is one of my all-time favourites, but I really just love poetry, so I also cling to my Emily Dickinson collection."

"Awesome. I tend to read a lot of historical fiction myself. Have you ever read _Gone with the Wind_? It's so much better than the movie adaptation."

"Of course I have, and of course it is. The movie adaptation of _anything_ is always sub-par compared to the book it was based on. Then the sequel movie isn't as great as the first movie, so on so forth. It just goes downhill once they start screenwriting a first movie adaptation."

"I totally agree. That's why I don't go see movie adaptations of books; I don't want to have the movie ruin the book for me, and I don't want to sit thru the movie criticising every discrepancy and deviation from the book."

"Exactly! Well, I barely go out to see movies, but even when I do, I avoid those types. Which unfortunately doesn't leave many options for me. So I just stay in and read. Which is what I would be doing if my friends didn't drag me out to this place. I was almost on my way out, but then I kinda ran into you, so my plan obviously didn't work out."

"Well, I'm glad you ran into me and chose to stay. I don't know anyone as pretty as you who likes reading so frequently. Usually they're pretty and dumb, or not too great on the eyes and smart. You are the perfect combination of the two."

"Well, umm, thanks." She giggled and looked down so Arthur couldn't see the mega-blush painted across her face.

For the next few hours, the two chatted over a drink or so, discussing all the things they had in common. This man was so charming to her, so understanding… Close to perfect. Of course, she'd never admit that. She was still Joan Mackenzie, still scared of definitely wouldn't admit it when he walked with her all the way back to her dorm building, since the girls had left her without a ride shortly before.

"Well, this has been a splendid time, miss Joan. When can we do it again?"

"Well, my friends end up there every week, so I suppose I'll hitch a ride with them next Friday night."

"Sounds lovely." He smiled as he took her hand and raised it to his lips as he lightly kissed it. "Till then."

"Till then, Arthur." She smiled as she disappeared behind the door. Her giddiness helped her fly up the set of stairs that led to her hall and to skip all the way to her door. As soon as she entered her dorm room, Sarai immediately got up and almost ran to her.

"Joan, I'm so sorry for earlier. I didn't mea-"

"It's fine, Sarai. I forgive you for that." She smiled as she walked over to her bed to lie down for a moment.

"You are extremely giddy right now. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing." She smiled once more, looking at the hand which Arthur had kissed.

"It is not nothing, and you know it! Something happened back there that I missed out on."

"I just met someone and we talked for a little bit."

"Was it that guy you ran into while you were trying to storm out?"

"It might've been..." She giggled.

"Oh, Joan's got the hots for somebody!" Sarai giggled along with Joan as the two began jumping with joy.

"Can I hitch a ride with the three of you next week?"

"Anything for my little lovesick darling! I suppose he'll be meeting you there once more?"

"What do you think?" She laughed. "By the way, he likes me for me. Not what you were forcing me to be."

"Really? Wow. I'm sorry for trying to change you. But hey, if I didn't at least try to experiment with you, you would've never met this new guy."

"Thanks, Sarai." Joan replied, surprising her roommate with a hug. It was uncommon for Joan to hug anybody, especially Sarai. This opportunity didn't come around often, so she hugged her back with joy. She thought to herself _"There goes another one of your walls, Joanie."_


	4. Chapter 4

Joan woke up every day for the next week with a fresh, crisp attitude. She was so invigorated that _somebody was interested in Joan Mackenzie_. After looking back at all the time she had kept herself tucked away from the world, crawling out from underneath her thick quilts only to attend class, she never thought that someone would find her quiet demeanor and uncommon interests appealing. But someone did, and brought exuberance into her life. No longer did she keep her mouth shut when a question was proposed to all the students in her lecture hall. No longer did she simply sit in class, nose in a book, refusing to work in groups. She was slowly but surely opening up to the world all because somebody walked in to her life.

But that all came crashing down, slowly but surely.

For the first couple of weeks, Arthur showed up right as he knew the entourage would show up. He'd take Joan by the hand, raise it to his mouth to kiss it, and lead her to the same table. But one day, he wasn't there. At first, it didn't worry her. But once he didn't show up for a month, she became worried. Maybe he found another woman. _That doesn't surprise me,_ she thought. Sure, she had unique qualities, but a navy man like him would still probably prefer a sweet, bodacious woman over someone who commonly wore baggy sweaters. So she retreated back into her little hole, built up the walls her mystery man had begun tearing down.

Months, and eventually years passed. He never showed up to her graduation, never showed up in the area… He disappeared. She gave up hope on ever finding someone like him. It was only by chance that she found him, and that chance would never occur to her again.

Until years later.

xXx

It was just another op for Joan Mackenzie. Yeah, it was exciting and thrilling being a field operative, but over the years, her quiet and demure personality made any mission feel routine. She longed to have a position within the CIA that would have her at a desk a bit more often.

The dossier told her that she would be going in to assist an operative who was exhibiting signs of duress when checking in. It bewildered her a bit to think how a simple mission like such required two operatives, but she thought nothing of it. It was just another mission.

Almost as soon as she was a step or two into her safe house, her phone immediately went off, the caller ID exhibiting "Anonymous". She could only assume it was the other operative on a burner cell, requesting assistance. She dropped her bags next to a set of belongings already there, she assumed to belong to the other operative, and immediately began to the car, defying the speed limits to assist.

When she got to the location noted in the text, she noticed two men running. The one in front was a bit skinnier and appeared taller than the man chasing him. The quicker they approached, the more of the latter man's appearance became apparent. Immediately Joan was in a flurry of emotions, which she expressed by taking down the first man. She grabbed his arm, twisted it and yanked it behind him so she could flip him onto the ground, her heel beginning to dig into the man's throat, cutting off his breathing. With her free hand, she aimed her gun at him, willing to fire if needed.

"Who are you?" The operative asked Joan.

"None of your goddamn business. You wouldn't have to know if you did your job right." She felt one of her legs being pulled, making her lose her balance. As soon as the assailant began getting the upper hand, she shot him, immediately knocking him out.

"Where do I know you from?" The operative asked, still desiring to know this tough woman's identity.

"I said none of your business." She picked herself up off the ground, dusted herself off, and started off back towards the car she used to get there.

Suddenly, he began piecing the tiny details about this woman together. The blonde hair, the way her clothes seemed more comfortable than a usual operative's attire, how she seemed so irate at his presence specifically... He now realised the operative he had just interacted with was the same operative he practically left to dry so many years ago in University Park.

"Mackenzie?" He shouted at her, but she was already locked up in the car, speeding off. He immediately began regretting not recognising her immediately, not apologising for how he left her without warning.

xXx

As soon as she arrived back to the safe house, she threw her keys on the ground and slid down against the door, her sobs shaking her intensely. The man she had just protected was the same man that had left her alone with no warning many years ago. He was the same man who she was beginning to feel for, then was left alone, the burned ends of her emotions scalding her a little bit, day by day. She never thought she'd have to face him again, and by the noise of a key in the lock and the push of the door, she'd have to see him again.

"Who's there?" Arthur asked. He heard the sniffles of the woman sitting against the door and realised who it was.

"Mackenzie?" He was answered with no words, only more sniffles. "Mackenzie, open up. This is my safe house."

"No, it's mine, and... Oh, for fuck's sake, you're kidding." He heard her get up and stomp away from the door, her heels clicking away.

"Joan, I can't believe it's you! How have you been?" His voice was jubilant, despite how sorrowful he felt over the hostile space between them.

"How do you think I've been? You left me alone! You made me look like a damn beautiful fool in front of my friends! You left me as soon as I was comfortable with someone for once! What do you expect?"

"Joan, I'm so sorry! We were taken off of leave unexpectedly and I had no way to contact you. I never meant to leave you like I did!"

"Well, you did! I hope you're damn happy!" She shouted in hysterics as she locked herself in the bathroom. She sat down in the bone-dry tub and began crying once more, feeling once more the pain she felt when he left her alone.

"Joan, please... Listen to me. I'm sorry." He spoke thru the door. He repeated those words, even when he knew she had fallen asleep, for the sobbing wore her out.


End file.
